I Think Gays Should Be Republicans

I love gay people. That's why I think they should be Republicans.

Gays have "fabulous" taste in clothes. Gays have "spectacular" taste in cars, save for the Mazda Miata. Gays shine at a party with their "fabulous" sense of humor and bubbly personalities. In fact, gays are actually becoming the new straight people - with masculine haircuts and a new focus on buffness, they make their liberal straight counterparts look gay.

But for some odd reason, gays by and large are sucked up in the strange world of whiny liberal secular-progressivism (SP). Democrats have recruited gays into a party that does absolutely nothing for them.

I honestly think that Democrats are secretly more "pro-gay marriage" than Republicans are, but with the Catholics and Hispanics swinging toward their side, Democrats are willing to sell out the gays. So in essence, assuming that the new face of the Republican Party is the relatively socially libertarian Rudolph Giuliani, gays are not going to find anyone in either party that's going to allow them to be pushed into the death trap of marriage where they're likely to get divorced and physically abuse each other - it'll be pretty even on the other gay issues.

Instead of whining about a petty antiquated little piece of paper that gays think is somehow required for them to actually love each other, why don't they focus on policies that boost the quality of their everyday lives and share their values on helping gays throughout the rest of the world. Let me explain:

The War on Terror
It is no secret that liberals are overly sympathetic to radical Middle East governments. Whether it's Saddam that killed hundreds of thousands of people (many his own) or the wildly Islamofascist governments in Iran, Afghanistan, or what not, liberals do not see it pertinent to do anything about these nutcases who stand in the way of democracy and freedom.

Ironically, these same governments and radical fringe groups in the middle east are the ones that claim homosexuality doesn't exist and hang/execute people who participate in homosexual acts (Bill Richardson is one for two on the above). Despite the only complaint about gays by the Republican Party being the signing of a marriage bill, gays still talk about President Bush as being considerably more heinous than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, whose government has executed people committing gay acts, most recently by hanging. If you'll recall, President Bush had a warm and lovely conversation recently with America's most lovable lesbian, Ellen De Generes.

Taxes
So apparently gays have a much higher income than the average straights, especially in a two person gay household vs. two person straight household. Why do they want Democrats and redistributionist liberals taxing the shit out of them so they won't have enough money left over for their big gay cruise to St. Croix or that precious Mazda Miata? Let's face it - gays are by and large self-absorbed, superficial, and money-grubbing...like me. If they understood what Democrats really wanted to do with their hard earned money, they would have a huge fright.

Crimes
Republicans punish criminals and put them away. Democrats want their ridiculous touchy-feely rehabilitation, which as any rational person knows, means they are going to exit jail and orchestrate another gay bashing as they would have otherwise. With so called "hate crimes", or crimes, against gays on the upswing, gays should be concerned about liberals' excessive coddling and defending criminals instead of victims. I certainly wish liberals were as concerned with the four Asian victims of Tookie Williams than they were with that monster himself - perhaps it was a case of affirmative action.

Apparently My "B. Hussein Obama" Facebook Group Was a Flop

So apparently my "B. Hussein Obama" group was wildly unsuccessful, unlike all the other facebook groups I've created or administered.

Let's analyze it piece by piece.

Title. B. Hussein Obama

It's funny cause it's innovative and provocative. And anybody who regularly watches Hannity & Colmes or reads a certain individual's provocative column should recognize where this came from.

1. B. Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, HI. Nothing good comes out of Honolulu except for obese football players.

Funny cause it's true, unless you seriously like pineapples. I guess not many of you have been to Honolulu.

2. B. Hussein Obama turned to drugs due to his racial confusion as a teenager. I'm much more racially confused than B. Hussein Obama and I never did drugs.

Okay, fine. Not so funny, but he shouldn't have claimed he turned to drugs for something so god damn lame. That gives every hybrid white-latino or white-black an excuse for riding the mary jane bandwagon.

3. B. Hussein Obama does not favor profiling at airports. Tell your 85 year old grandmother Eunice to watch the fuck out.

This is funny because all old people have funny names such as Mildred or Eunice. It's also funny because the government refuses to hold more than two arabs at a time whilst they cavity search poor old Mississippi bred Eunice's vagina.

4. B. Hussein Obama, much like John Edwards, is a filthy scumbag lawyer. Fortunately, unlike Edwards, he is not a medium for dead paralyzed children.

Lawyers are scumbags, obviously. And I'm not even talking about the ACLU yet, which was about the caliber of Obama's lawyership.

Does anyone remember when John Edwards, who during his tenure as a scummy trial lawyer (and who is partially responsible for extremely high insurance premiums in America) was trying to defraud a doctor out of millions of dollars by putting on a dog and pony show in which he was the medium for a dead disabled girl? It was the epitome of trial lawyer scum.

5. B. Hussein Obama has used the word "ironclad" to describe the demand from his wife that he quit smoking. The last time someone used a word as stupid as "ironclad" was Al "Chubbycakes" Gore to describe his lunchbox... oops, I mean lockbox.

Ironclad Lockbox. Think back to 2000 you pathetic fools. And lunchbox, because we all know that Al Gore thinks of cheeseburgers all day.

6. B. Hussein Obama is a closet atheist. There are too many closets in the Democratic Party, but lets save Hillary Rodham Clinton for another facebook group.

Let's not pretend that Barack Obama isn't an atheist. His uncomfortable wishy-washyness about religion when confronted with the issue (and refusal to talk firmly about it, or about anything for that matter) makes that perfectly clear.

Hillary Rodham Clinton is widely rumored to be a lesbian. I do believe she has erotic nude shots of Melissa Etheridge...perhaps with some Tammy Lynn Michaels thrown in for good measure.

7. B. Hussein Obama is related to Dick Cheney, which means he may have heart problems.

It's a joke people. It's making fun of how liberals and critics incessantly address Vice President Cheney's heart problems.

8. B. Hussein Obama describes people in his family as looking like retarted people such as Bernic Mac or old white bitches like Margaret Thatcher.

B. Obama really did describe his extended family as a model UN. He said he has people in his family that look like Bernie Mac (who I find retarted) and Margaret Thatcher (who I love, but find to be an old white bitch).

9. B. Hussein Obama's father herded goats - what a hick! Oh, and speaking of hick, his mother is from Wichita.

I'll give this one to you guys. It was stupid. But you know there are only hicks in Wichita.

10. B. Hussein Obama, despite being African-American and moderately wealthy, refuses to drive a Cadillac Escalade.

Now this one is just plain well executed and hilarious. No arguments there.

11. B. Hussein Obama lives on the South Side of Chicago. That's not even "westside" or "eastside"...bitches.

Okay, maybe I was accidentally thinking of Los Angeles. Nobody, who values their life at least, goes to the South of Los Angeles.
___________________________________________________________

I want to know if it was really that bad.

mini-VAN Nguyen's Big Multisex Bathroom Boat Ride

April 23, 2007

Well, the self-aggrandizing elections are over, and while it's not very appetizing to have that nutjob Van "Nancy Pelosi with a Penelosi" Nguyen in the Presidency, at least he's not in control of anything important. The federal government deals in trillions, so thank God Mr. "Transvestite Bathrooms" deals only in millions, although that's still millions too much. I wonder how he plans to miraculously override Proposition 209 and subvert state law.

But enough about that male feminazi. I'll outline some of my personal observations on the election:

BCR Success
This is excellent. Not only do I think this candidate will do an excellent job, but it flusters the ultra-left elitists who think they can go unchecked in the Senate.

DAAP Loss
Finally people wised up to shunning candidates that selfishly pump their personal agendas out their bloated blowholes. Dmitri Garcia and his little clan are so grossly self-serving. He's like the Latino Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson, except much less entertaining.

Phallic Composition in the Senate
Does anyone find it funny that four people (or 20%) in the Senate have phallic sounding names.
~ Dong
~ Weiner
~ Wong
~ Urena*

*either referencing urine or urethra

If I really wanted to stretch it, I could do at least three more. If we count rhyming names, I can find at least four of the female anatomy.

TGIF: Too Gay Initiative Fund
Oh God, you have got to be kidding. What's wrong with you people? How can you vote to put an extra $5 per student into the hands of a bunch of radical environmentalists who think that "waterless urinals" are "sexy"? You people are so stupid. As a result of getting roped into "green guilt" propaganda, you're throwing $200,000 bucks away to Berkeley students who have not even vaguely outlined where this exorbitant amount is to be spent.

This is the result of a bunch of arrogant elitist Berkeley students who want to massage their inflated egos by wasting others money in delusional inventions that make them feel they are important.

I'm sure Student Action will find some way to divert a percentage of these funds to fight off a lawsuit anyway.

My Struggle in Voting for President: "Whiny" Student Action vs. "My Hippie Volkswagen" Van Nguyen
I found myself extremely disappointed with The Cal Patriot's endorsement of nutty CalServe candidates for Executive Slates. Out of sheer principle, they should have figured out something else or abstained. Really gross.

I of course voted for neither, but if I had to choose, I think I'd edge it out for Ivanka Napkin. Unfortunately, she's the spawn of Oren Gabriel, the biggest douche bag on the planet, who oddly enough brought his hippie looking parents out to campaign for Miss Napkin (thinking that somehow UC students would be fans of monarchism and royal SA blood). Besides being a dense, stupid, over-indulgent drunk boob, Oren GAYbriel actually hired a real legal firm over a lame unimportant office of self-aggrandizing child's play. Next year, Oren Gabrielle can find a different type of gay bar in which to pop his collar.

Student Action, which should really be named "Students With Egos Bigger Than Oprah's Ass", is so incredibly delusional about its importance. If they really wanted to lower our student fees, they would just cease to exist.

Anyway, so why Ivanka? Well, she's actually labeled a "moderate" on her Facebook profile, and doesn't seem to personally advocate nutty things like most of the other candidates. I like that. She's also kind of hot, and in an office that doesn't matter, I don't want to be looking at mini-VAN Nguyen all year. I wonder if he has a brother named short-BUS Nguyen? If not, we know he has at least taken a ride on one.

As is no surprise for the loopy CalServe candidates, miniVAN Nguyen is a rather sterile commonplace formulation of your average ultra-left nutbag. He demands we think outside of the racial binary, as he feels he is a "white hippie" trapped in an Asian body. I can't wait to see what type of stunts he pulls next year. In fact, voting for him might have been worth the value of watching him try to carry out his laughable policies. I'd chain him to a tree and throw away the key, forcing him to cut down the tree if he wanted to be released. He'd probably write a sob email out to all of us about his crying green tears.

Anyway, For a school that bitches about diversity 24/7, I'm wondering why it chose to elect a rather strongly un-diverse composition in Student Government. Oh well.

I voted for the gay guy whose building the gay fraternity. It would have been a bubbly entertaining event if they tried to disqualify him and controversies of "homophobia" ensued against the most "tolerant" student body in the world. I also was hoping he would institute a big gay boat ride in lieu of the 51.

UC Berkeley: Red-Blooded Greens Seek To Destroy Yellow Fever

From Red, To Yellow, To Green...

April 11 2007

RED

Ah, the 60's. Angry hippies on periods with ample flow. Communism blanketing Berkeley redder than Al Gore's flustered cheeks after public erection grabs from Tipper. Mario Savio and Cesar Chavez pretending their inane unproductive public nuisances were societally relevant (outside of Berkeley). A bunch of exasperating red-faced pot-laced Rasta hippies parading around in their unseemly state of nude indulging in hippy-happy circles and tree hugging parties with Zachary RunningWolf (or as he's known outside of Berkeley, RunningPMS).

YELLOW

Fast forward a good 30 years, and we've mellowed out a bit thanks to the rise of sane hardworking Asians displacing more of the lazy unproductive activist white folk. Despite being a bureaucracy plagued public school, we've still managed to elevate our academic and research superiority and scope; and thanks to this "sane" free market composition, the school continues its place of core importance to students and the state in regards to excellence in competition, innovation, science, and academic drive by [racially blindly] selecting top candidates.

GREEN

Unfortunately, the ultra-left activists at UC Berkeley are trying to immunize the campus from yellow fever and turn it into a new age S-P mantra called "green". In other words, they seek to subvert the state's fair policies of admission in exchange for the radical construction of a campus that a bunch of reverse-racist BAMN nutcases think reflects what they FEEL would be nice in their multicultural heroin ridden fantasies, without regard to the deleterious consequences in the academic and competitive integrity of the school. Just in case you didn't know, hippies have had a poor track record in producing concrete results based on how they FEEL things should be.

"Green", which is pretty much a term that anybody of a radical far-left persuasion loves to throw around, also refers to anything from radical and economically unproductive environmental activism to socialism to an unpractical anti-military ethos. The term can be used widely today to describe such activism as an offshoot of the nutty "green" party, and encompasses far more than just the idea of "green" environmentalism. "Green" is also ironically associated with that which makes one vomit.

Relating to an affirmative action and an anti-Asian agenda, "green" people prefer to describe minority groups as a bunch of incompetent boobs that they are required to babysit. Instead of solving the problem by encouraging accountability from new generations and more widespread school vouchers for choice, "greens" feel they have to systematically take it upon themselves to radically legislate policy that sticks people into positions for which they were not given the tools to really work out the intermediary steps and relegates them to continue marinating in a standard of unsatisfactory performance. The "greens" are not interested in solving the problem. They seek to foster this culture of dependency and helplessness, because without it, they have no reason to exist.

To add insult to the fact that affirmative action simply does not mechanically work, greens "think" it's the public university's job to defy the fact that it's an institution legally required to act impartially on behalf of government. Under equal and non-discriminatory civil protections, it's totally inappropriate for the university and the state to vaguely decide how many Blacks or Hispanics it finds appropriate to satisfy its cushy notions of social justice. Normal people aren't stupid and recognize this, hence the voting for Proposition 209 in California and its counterpart in Michigan.

Another problem the greens are having is marketing "non-market based quota diversity" to students who are already here. I don't understand how my quality of life is going to improve with an extra number of minority students, most of which I never see because they've segregated themselves in La Raza groups or meetings in which they invariably drool over Cesar Chavez. I don't particularly care if my classes are 0% black or 99% black, as long as my peers are of a comparible academic caliber and contribute to furthering the marketability of my Berkeley name education. Enrichment from "multiculturalism" and "cultural diversity" is a concept that doesn't tangibly exist; the marketplace of ideas among all races at UC Berkeley is awash with monolithic liberal scallywagging. These words are simply a cover to forward the radical agenda of subverting fair competitive behavior by convincing Whites and Asians that stepping aside from their hard earned positions would be for the greater good. The "Multicultural Center" at UC Berkeley will be a Unicultural Center for Berkeley whites to marinate in their self-righteousness.

The actual truth is that affirmative action hurts minority groups because it allows them to enter into positions for which they are not directly qualified, thereby preserving a status quo of mediocrity and doing nothing to further their competitiveness for such positions in the future. I'm the one that really cares about disadvantaged minorities. I want them to gain excellent educational opportunities by using their directed public school monies for private vouches where disadvantaged parents can choose where they want their kids to go to school and grow voucher funded private school franchises/charter schools. Liberals choose to soak minorities in dispair by funneling their public school directed monies to selfish violent public school unions and bureaucracy who want to line their own pockets, don't care about performance, and prohibit child molestors from being fired.

In the far-left liberals' aggressive scheme to make the campus into an uncompetitive hotbed of multiculturalism, Asians are unfortunately the disposable commodity. Yes, I'm sorry Mr. Chang, but your superior application must be denied because you're over-represented. Unfortunately, your 1600 and promising experiments to cure cancer must be brushed aside so we can create a diverse multicultural haven.

Mr. Chang posted his response here:

http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/archives/2007/01/17/opinion/17109.shtml

Self-Aggrandizing Elitists vs. Out of This World Nutjobs...Oops, I Mean Student Action vs. CalSERVE

Apr 5 2007

It's another year of elitist do nothing self-promoting snobbery or even worse, people who want to waste your money with their horrific CodePink and Greenpeace values.

I suppose I'd rather have my student fees going to a bunch of do nothing hacks like Oren "Douchebag" GAYbriel than a bunch of strange vague non-student related ultra-left programs like unisex bathrooms, a "green" campus (whatever that means), and money that's probably funneled to violent reverse-racists like BAMN.

CalSERVE, what do you plan to do for us White or Asian non-Transvestite folk?

According to CalSERVE's facebook, they're huffing up the S-P keywords "racial justice", "social justice", "transcultural", and "divest". You know CalSERVE, a good 80% of us are White, Asian, have access, and are not disabled...not to mention traditional African-Americans and Hispanics find you hippies kind of strange and socially undesirable. What do you plan to do for us? As much as I've always wanted to pee right next to a girl, I don't know...Perhaps we can gain the matriculation of Ricky Martin, as CalSERVE's "access" policies will give him ample access to dole out golden showers.

And guess what CalSERVE, not only are Iraq, the environment, world issues, and President Bush not helpful to students and none of your business, but you're wasting our time and money trying to do things that belong to important people we actually elect on a state and national level (and no, you're not important). If your going to run for student government, pretend to actually do something that would do something for students (gasp!), like promise a revitalization of Sproul which wont happen or give money to student groups which you'll probably funnel to the Cayman Islands...or your legal defense team. And newsflash, we're already here, so we don't need minority recruitment. And you're vague terms like "justice" and "green" are empty and annoying.

And guess what. Most of the stuff listed below is just fluff that you blowhards can't deliver on:
http://berkeley.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2256200585

Oh, except abortion-on-demand at the Tang Center. That I'm sure you'll pour your heart and soul into.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I leave you with what CalSERVE has called their "accomplishments" ...and what I call a "total joke". I'll embolden terms I find an absolute total and utter bunch of egregious nuttiness, even though it goes without saying that the entire thing should be emboldened.

Spring 2003: Bill Title
SB 6a In Support of the 2003 BESSA Career Fair
SB 15a In Support of Exit Magazine
SB 32 To Support Students Subject to INS Registration
SB 33a In Support of Students for Hip Hop
SB 39a In Support of Splitends Magazine
SB 40 In Support of the 2003 Leadership Symposium
SB 41 In Support of the Committee for Korea Studies
SB 42 In Support of the Eggster Hunt and Learning Festival
SB 50 In Support of Society of Cal Integrative Biology Undergraduate Students
SB 59 To Oppose the USA Patriot Act, Justice Department Directives, and Executive Orders that Prevent the Protection of Civil Liberties and Rights
SB 62 In Support of Berkeley Minority Women
SB 63a In Support of Lambda Theta Nu Sorority's Second Annual Latina Youth Leadership Conference
SB 64 In Support of Efficient and Effective Mediation of Elections Disputes
SB 65 In Support of the Unity Statement
SB 66 In Support of the Colombia Working Group
SB 67 In Support of La Voz de Berkeley
SB 70a In Support of PAA's 27th Annual Pilipino Cultural Night of UC Berkeley
SB 76 In Support of the Third Annual Ethnic Studies Conference
SB 77 In Support of the Themis Journal: Berkeley Journal of Environmental, Health, and Development
SB 81 In Support of Correcting an Error in Title I of the ASUC By-Laws

Fall 2002:Bill Title
SB 2a A Resolution Against the Information Ban
SB 7a In Support of a Hotel and Spa Worker-Led Boycott of the Claremont Resort and Spa
SB 8a In Support of AB 2001 - Ethnic Studies for California Public High Schools
SB 9a In Support of More Classrooms and Better Schools: Yes on Prop 47
SB 11a To Co-Sponsor the Petition to Reverse the Drop in Underrepresented Minority Enrollment at UC Berkeley
SB 16 In Support of Election Day Voter Registration
SB 17a In Support of Financial Aid for All Students
SB 23 In Support of the Greek System's Efforts to Lift the Moratorium on Alcohol
SB 30 In Support of Chicanos and Latinos for Empowerment (Chale)
SB 35 In Support of the Latino Pre-Law Society
SB 36 In Support of Green Building and Clean, Renewable Energy
SB 37 In Support of March Primary Elections
SB 38a In Support of Cal Community Action Days 2002, UC Berkeley's Week of Service
SB 40 In Support of the Arab American Student Union
SB 41 In Support of the Berkeley Chinese Students and Scholars Association
SB 43a In Support of Chaitanya and Chaitanya's Publicity Efforts
SB 48a In Support of a Peaceful Foreign Policy Towards Iraq
SB 49a In Support of Dropping Student Conduct Charges
SB 55a In Support of Let's Rise Asian Mentorship Program
SB 56a In Support of the Youth Vote Coalition Voter Registration Drive
SB 63 In Support of the Berkeley Law Foundation
SB 69 In Support of Students for Out-of-State and International Diversity: An Organization for Non-Residents and Residents (SOID)
SB 71 In Support of the Hispanic Scholarship Fund Scholar Chapter
SB 72 In Support of the Associated Students of Psychology (ASP)
SB 76a In Support of an Immediate Moratorium of the Deportation of Southeast Asians
SB 82 In Support of Sigma Omega Tau (SOT)
SB 88a In Support of Cal Libertarians
SB 91 In Support of Cal Women's Boxing Association
SB 98a In Support of Volunteerism and a Thanksgiving Feeding at the First Universal Unitarian Church
SB 99a In Support of PAHC's Mission Iloilo Benefit Concert
SB 100 In Support of Retaining Immigrant Airport Screeners Working at America's Airports
SB 101a In Support of maganda Magazine
SB 102 In Support of the Common Mic
SB 103 In Support of Coca-Cola Corporate Responsibility
SB 104 In Support of Fair Trade Coffee
SB 108a In Support of the Arts for Healing Benefit Performance
SB 115a In Support of Black Unity
SB 116a In Support of Installing Code Blue Phones at Extension Buildings and Etcheverry-Soda Breezeway
SB 118a In Support of Farm Worker Support Committee Speaking Event: Revitalizing La Causa SB 121a In Support of the Student Parent Association
SB 129 Concerning the Rights of the Accused
SB 131 In Support of the Disabled Students Union
SB 138 In Support of the 3rd Annual Women's Rights Conference: A Day of Action and Awareness

The "Spare Any Change" Homeless and Berkeley's Rampant Idiocy

Apr 1 2007

When you look at Berkeley skeletally as a city, it's really not too bad...kind of pretty actually. Unfortunately, the people who live in it, uh, live in it.

I'd have a nice walk down Shattuck if I wasn't bombarded every five seconds with, "Can you spare any change?" or walk by all those crazy rastafarian guttersnipes. I can't even use the word "spare" anymore in normal conversation now thanks to those fetid homeless people.

People - please stop giving to the homeless, especially you, you damn old white haired ultra liberal ladies. You just foster their behavior and cause more homeless to pollute the city. And to you Berkeley city government - you are the biggest problem! Giving the homeless lockers, money, centers, programs, a $8M/year budget, and food will not incentivize them to quit their homeless lifestyle (which a lot actually choose) when they can live it up as "homeless", much to the misfortunate of businesses and citizens who have to endure your European tax rates.

Anyway, here are the staples of the Berkeley Homeless Community I always encounter:

Angry "Dollar for the Bus" Woman

Looks pretty normal. Always standing at the Shattuck & Durant stop. She'll calculatingly approach you and ask for "a dollar for the bus" even though she does not nor will ever have any intention of going on the bus. Once you refuse her, she'll mutter some obscenities under her breath and angrily move onto the next person to whom she'll immediately cheer up for. She'll never realize that she's asked you multiple times over the years, and should realize that no one's going to give her change after she performed her mumble-cuss the first time.

Stupid Rastafarian White Middle Class Hippy

Oh God - they're the worst. These losers are strung out (pun intended) somewhere along Shattuck near Center Street. They're just white middle class potheads who thanks to Berkeley decided capitalism is evil, their parents are totalitarian regressives, and drugs are the way to enlightenment - the essence of Berkeley's inane socialist S-P agenda. As if that wasn't bad enough, they have the effrontery to admit that they want money for drugs...well, some just flat out ask for drugs. Absolutely awful.

Most of the more normal homeless people are generally cheap looking rastas who share the aforementioned philosophies and are more than capable of working with a little cleanup.

I've decided I'm going to take a cup around with me and actually preempt these bastards with an obnoxious "Can you spare any change?" before they are able to get to me.

Super Oversmoked Lady

This old lady has ostensibly had her brain and body just fried by drugs - she looks like a vulture. Her face is wrinkled and has a snarl permanently installed. To add insult to injury, she's usually puffing away at a cigarette whenever she has the balls to ask for change.

Mr. Outside Baja Fresh Breathing Machine

This is the fat black guy with the breathing machine who usually peddles outside Baja Fresh. He always seems very aware and pretty articulate, and knows how to work those puppy eyes to his benefit.

I didn't mind him as much as the other homeless until I found him lounging on the two front disabled seats on the 51 bus talking on a cellphone. What the hell is that? You have the audacity to peddle me for change while you ride the luxurious 51 and use a cellphone? The next time I find him outside Baja Fresh I'm going to ask if my money will be going towards his cellphone payments, since I thought he said he "needed money for a meal today".

Miss Crispy Schizophrenic

This is the crazy fit black lady who is found all around Berkeley either cussing wildly or having a conversation with some entity that does not exist. Fortunately, she does not participate in either of those activities with entities that do exist. Unlike the other homeless, she has a quite fit physique.

Angry Psychopath

Often times, there are just angry psychopaths that go madly yelling through the streets. They're sometimes dangerous, and should have priority in being locked up.

Some of these people are just really high on drugs, and look really freaky and scary.

Creepy Psychopath

This is the kind of guy who for some odd reason has not made it to the looney bin. He sits down next to you at your table at McDonalds, stares at you with tongue out & bloodshot eyes, takes a bite of your hamburger, licks your arm, and proceeds to bark (like a dog) and coo (like an out of tune bird).

El Cheapo Egoísta Con Orígenes Sefarditas y Escoceses

Mar 27 2007

I'm cheap! And selfish!

Well, there's probably a better word for it, and it's not exactly frugal/thrifty. More like a discerning capitalist who loves a good value. And I'm a selfish little bastard who will stop at nothing to line the piggy! Well, except get a job.

Anyway, there are two elements to this. I'll first define what I mean by "cheap" and second define how I got there.

CHEAP
I'm not cheap in the sense that I like cheap things, like two dollar whores and stuff from the dollar store. In fact, I'm very adamant about purchasing some high quality goods, especially those which retain their value, like houses, cars, investments, electronic stuff, etc. Well okay, cars and electronic stuff don't really retain their value, but I don't like shitty cars, and since I don't really care about music, I have the girlie-man IPod nano. And houses are of course, in theory, since I don't yet have the capability to purchase one of them...apart from a plot of land, a trailer, and a mule in Idaho.

However, the essence of my cheapness comes in demanding I find the absolute best deal on a product of ANY price range, and I spend an absurd amount of time mentally calculating which object to choose based on the maximum utility I will get out of the object for the absolute minimum price.

For example, let's say I go to McDonalds. I could get the BigMac meal for $4.99...but I ask, "Hmmm, is there any combination of objects I can order that will yield an equal or greater amount of taste, health, and volume utility for less than $4.99? Maybe I can enlist my dad to order me a senior drink I can refill 4 times?"

It can also be as simple as, "I can to go to two stores that have blueberry muffins. Store A has $1.10 blueberry muffins and is 700ft away, while Store B has $1.30 blueberry muffins and is 250ft away. Is 450 more feet of walking worth $0.20?"

I also like exact change and paying even dollar/quarter amounts. I'll become enfuriated if a purchase I'm making costs $1.26 and I have $6.25 and can't get that clean $5 back. While $4.99 is functionally $5, it will eat at me if I don't have my crisp $5, hence I use a credit card for most purchases and pay it off every month.

It also excites me greatly to hear of good deals, no matter what product and cost range they are in. My brain steps into a state of euphoria when I can get much more utility and value for a lesser price than I would have purchased that utility for anyway. That ranges from a good deal on a blueberry muffin to a deal on a nice computer to a new car, etc. In other words, I'm not averse to buying expensive things...I just like to get a good deal on them. And I hate buying things I don't need. Ugh!

I neurotically do all this with every purchase. It's real sick and sad, I know.

BACKGROUND/ORIGIN
My grandpa grew up during the great depression. He ended up making a lot of money with a successful company that distributed camera equipment, but always remained extremely frugal because of the GD terror in the back of his mind.

Consequently, my dad grew up with that same mentality, except reformed to a type of cheap like mine. He would never buy anything that wasn't a good deal, but would go all out when he found something HE thought was an exceptional deal. He's also very self-centered about his frugality, criticizing purchases that he doesn't value. In the 1980's, he would rail on my mom for her Salvadore Ferragamo shoes, while he bought a $15,000+ computer when computers were a joke. While I'm sure he got a good deal, he would be frustrated if my mom got an amazing deal on Salvadore Ferragamo shoes. If my mom didn't have her wonderful Pan Am job, her Salvadore Ferragamo spending would have been more severely reigned in.

Also ethnicity: I'm about 3.25% Scottish, so that's not really in play. But I probably do have a decent amount of Sephardic Jew.

"Hurry boobala, this nice shirt is on sale for $29.95, but I wonder if we can get that schmock to bargain down. [Sees the child underdressed]. Oh my Gawd boobala, put on ya sweater or ya gonna catch cold! Oh Gawd, the weather has been horrible! It must be the Republicans' fault."